We’ve taken the liberty of going through the Queens Speech and trying to get to the crux of what the government is proposing to do over the coming term. What’s striking is that many campaign promises appear to be completely missing but here’s what managed to make it into the Speech…
- We’re leaving the EU on 31st January.
- We’re praying we’ll still get a free trade agreement with the EU
- We’ll carry on trying to negotiate trade agreements with non-EU countries
- We’ll try to fix the devolved Government in Northern Ireland if we can.
- We’re going to chuck a little extra cash at the NHS but only a fraction of what it needs.
- As we can no longer get medical professionals from the EU, we’re going to ‘allow’ non-EU professionals to pay for visas to enter and work in the UK.
- Some people might not have to pay hospital car parking charges anymore.
- We’re gonna have a chat about reforming social care. Not sure what to do mind, if anything, but at least we’ve ditched the idea of forcing people to sell their homes to pay for it.
- We’re also going to have a chat about maybe reforming the Mental Health Act.
- We’re gonna copy the Aussie, points-based, immigration system. We’ll probably still charge people for visas though. Let’s hope they won’t mind the naff pay, horrendous working hours, rampant racism and pervasive hostile environment.
- We’re gonna raise the National Insurance threshold for some people. Haven’t decided for who or by how much yet but no one gives a toss about details so it’s all good!
- We’re gonna increase the National Living Wage a smidge. Not sure how little we can get away with but we could always ramp up zero hour contracts I suppose?
- I guess we should chuck a few breadcrumbs at schools too?
- Rather than pay unpaid carers, we’re gonna see what we can do to get more carers back into flexible working so they can work around other commitments like caring for a family member. Who knows, maybe they might save a few pennies for their retirement that way?
- Let’s give unpaid carers a few days leave as well so they don’t feel like they’re getting completely screwed over.
- Let’s tell voters that we’re looking at new measures to protect tenants and to improve building safety (the mugs willl believe anything, LOL)
- I think we should try and convince private contractors and housing developers to offer discounts to local first-time buyers. Might take people mind off the fact that we’re not pledging any money for building affordable housing.
- Got to do something about internet safety. Mind you, I haven’t the foggiest idea what.
- We’re going to screw over the entire criminal justice system so legal professionals can no longer hold self-serving, lying politicians to account.
- Those kids on the streets and marginalised communities make me and my buddies rather nervous so we’re gonna lock people up for a lot longer to keep us safe.
- Oh, and let’s get over-worked, underpaid teachers, council officials and NHS staff to assist with policing duties in the hope it might bring down knife crime and help victims of domestic abuse.
- Let’s tell people we’re going to help victims of crime and their families, without actually having to invest any real money into it.
- I suppose we better have a chat about how to tackle hostile activity conducted by foreign states (at least the ones who don’t donate to Tory party campaigns).
- We should probably chuck a few crumbs at infrastructure I suppose. Haven’t decided how much or on what but we do need to keep those northern constituencies hoodwinked.
- Yes, I know borrowing and debt has gone through the roof since we’ve been in charge but we can just get our media buddies to put a spin on it and persuade voters we’re better at doing sums than Labour.
- I think maybe we should do something about productivity levels because we’ve been dying a slow death for years and people are beginning to notice. I suppose we could chuck a few peanuts at infrastructure and research as well and maybe retrain a few people. Key thing is to try and coax Labour voters in those industrial towns into believing that we actually give a toss.
- We haven’t given business enough in tax cuts if you ask me. Yes I know we’ve got probably the lowest tax rates in the world but the faecal matter will hit the fan big time when we leave the EU without a deal, so we need to transform the UK into a tax haven in order to keep investment in the UK.
- I know we’ve made zero progress in convincing telecoms companies into fast-tracking the delivery of gigabit capable broadband over the last 9yrs but people are gonna be pissed if we don’t at least tell them that we’re working on it.
- We’re gonna screw over transport services, and if transport workers even think about striking we’re gonna screw them over too.
- Right, I need my ear plugs for this one (those screaming kids and scientists can get super tetchy when you ignore them). So, let’s tell people we’re working on hitting the target of net zero greenhouse gas emissions by 2050. Yeah, I know that’s 20yrs too late but what do the experts know that we don’t right? LOL
- We need to ditch the Fixed-term Parliaments Act. Can’t allow parliament to hold us to ransom again now can we? I mean, it’s embarrassing!
- We’re not putting a penny more into the Armed Forces but let’s pretend like we’re doing them a big favour by maintaining the same funding level we’ve had for years and let’s pray that no one figures out that they’re having to stretch that 2% to cover the pension fund as well now.
- Of course, one way we can keep their minds off the funding cuts and keep the armed forces on side would be to convince them that we’re fighting for them, so they won’t have to face legal action if they are accused of abusing human rights or committing war crimes.
- One final things, as far as national security goes, we’re gonna be up the creek without a paddle when we leave the EU so we’ll have to suck up to the US big time!
